With a wonderful view of leafy Hyde Park and Wellington’s home, is the revamped InterContinental London Park Lane. Apparently it has had £78 million spent on it, though why you would want to blow all that money turning rooms into something out of the 1970s is a mystery to me. I was half expecting to bump into Joan Collins in the lift.

Our room was different shades of green, with velvet and heavy fabrics, and dark wooden cupboards. It was like being in Sherwood Forest. The many mirrors do their best to disguise the fact that the bathroom is small. You wouldn’t even get the cat in the place. There were some pencil drawings on the bedroom walls. Two of them were the same picture. If they had been nicer, I might have thought of leaving with one of them. All the same, it shows a worrying lack of attention to detail.

There is a spa in which you have to whisper because the floors are tiled. And it is very dark, though they told me there are lots of treatment rooms. The spa operates in an interesting way. According to Jo the manager, they will give you any sort of treatment you want for 90 quid an hour. Had I the time, I could have picked a seaweed wrap with detoxification on a dry floatation bed or a deep-tissue back massage and facial.

Downstairs, the revamped bar is ersatz Arab that makes you feel as if you are in an airport lounge in the Middle East. Trouble is, the gap between ordering and receiving your drinks would result in a missed flight – well, it was 20 minutes... and it wasn’t that busy.

In fact, the only reason to stay at the InterContinental is so you can eat at Theo Randall’s eponymous restaurant. The food is great. For the first time during our trip my wife stopped talking about her internet connection problems and started saying how much she enjoyed her mozzarella, pecorino and rocket salad. Once she reached the turbot she was positively purring.

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Bottom line: Rupert Wright paid £246 for the room and £157.50 for dinner at Theo Randall.

InterContinental London Park Lane: 020-7409 3131, www.intercontinental.com, 1 Hamilton Place, London W1.

Room: 6 out of 10.

Food: 9 out of 10.

Service: 6 out of 10.

Value: 6 out of 10.

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