It's 3AM. I’m at the Dorchester hotel, and there’s a glamorous party in full flow. Unfortunately it’s in the bedroom opposite mine, the room service waiter’s shouting to be let in, and I’ve been woken up.

I had requested a “park view” room, because I felt that the point of staying at the 250-room Dorchester is to have a view of Hyde Park. I get a room with “air con unit view”, so ask to move. There’s only a single left, but it’s rather charming, and high enough (6th floor) so that the traffic noise from Park Lane isn’t a problem. It’s also £100 cheaper.

The room’s comfortable, in a chintzy, old-fashioned way. There are lovely Floris smellies, a good hairdryer with a long flex, proper clothes hangers, plugs and light switches in sensible places. An iron and board are quickly delivered, saving me £20 on pressing. I avoid using the internet on the TV, saving another £18.50.

Downstairs to meet a pal for (£14) cocktails — a Dorchester 75 (Tanqueray gin, nettle cordial, apple juice) and a Dorchester Bellini (prosecco with mango), which have a decent kick. The bar staff are charming and efficient, though the bar’s recent makeover is odd: red glass stalagmites surround us, giving the sense that we are drinking in the bar from Star Wars.

The Dorchester has two restaurants, the traditional Grill Room and China Tang; we try the latter, which is very busy. Highlights are tender steamed fish and a delicious aubergine hot pot. Service starts well but tails off; we’re on a draughty table near the waiters’ station but it’s hard to attract attention. They forget to charge us for the wine — a £29 sauvignon blanc from New Zealand, one of the cheapest on a pricey list — but conscience prompts me to remind them.

In the morning I have a workout in the gym then a session in the steam room — it’s free for guests. At breakfast in the Grill Room I’m served coffee that could tar roads; the second pot is weak as water. Finally I get some drinkable tea. I have muesli with raspberries, then two boiled eggs — done to perfection — with toast. For this I am charged £42: £25.50 for the cooked breakfast, £12.50 for the raspberries, plus service. After raising this with an unconcerned cashier, then her manager, the raspberries are deducted.

I leave exhausted after a broken night’s sleep, terrible coffee, a good workout, a so-so supper, and an argument over some gold-plated raspberries.

Bottom line: Cath Urquhart paid £232 for a park-view single. Breakfast, £25.50 plus service.

Sampling the fare: Dinner for two at China Tang, £130 with wine.

Best thing: Comfortable room.

Worst thing: Being woken at 3am.

Access all areas: Some bedrooms are adapted for wheelchair users.

Need to know: Dorchester hotel, 53 Park Lane, London W1 (020-7629 8888, www.thedorchester.com).

Room: 7 out of 10.

Food: 5 out of 10.

Service: 2 out of 10.

Value: 2 out of 10.

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