I am 30 and in a relationship that fills me with pain, anxiety and restlessness. When we met, it was glorious — I couldn’t believe how intelligent, funny and loving he was. Then we got to know each other. He became angry, distant and domineering, but I was so insanely in love,

I accepted any humiliation. I forgot how to be myself - I was always alert to his moods, helpful and eager to change. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and moved out - for one day. The improvement was that he stopped the silent treatment, but I still crave affection and communication.

Aunt Sally: I am 30 and in a relationship that fills me with pain, anxiety and restlessness

The more the avoidant shuts down, the needier the addict becomes

Background

• Aunt Sally: I haven’t had sex with my husband for months

• Aunt Sally: He talks a lot about his ex

• Why can’t I stop being horrible to men who like me?

I cannot stand the way he plays computer games nonstop, his lack of need to be with or talk to me, the lack of intimacy, my feelings of loneliness and sexual deprivation. I know I’m too dependent and I have only one desire - to feel relaxed, my thoughts focused on something different. I want to feel peace. The only solution I can think of is separation, but I cannot leave without his help. I choose to think it’s not his fault - I can’t handle my emotions. I'm controlling and hysterical, and I definitely wouldn’t stand for behaviour like mine.

Poor you. You do sound terribly trapped. I think of this kind of relationship as locked-in syndrome — an overpowering, toxic interplay of emotional neediness. It is also known as co-dependency or love addiction.

Let me explain about love addiction, a neat label for a dysfunctional approach to relationships. The love addict has overwhelming emotional needs. They have an empty space inside so they cannot soothe, calm, nurture or love themselves. Love addicts have no idea who they are, or so dislike the person they feel they are that they contort, pretzel-like, to whatever their lover wants them to be. Their self-esteem relies entirely on other people’s love and approval. They have a desperate need for attention and passion, usually mistaking passion for love. The more overstated or extreme (or even violent) the emotions, the more real and important they feel the relationship is. Like all addictions, it is exhausting, claustrophobic and deeply destructive for all concerned.

Love addiction can drive people to humiliate themselves, be chameleons to fit to whatever their lover admires and accept any kind of abuse. The flip side is that they abuse, control, demand and manipulate in a desperate plea for attention. The rejected love addict might constantly text and phone the object of their obsession, stalk them or sabotage new relationships. Love addiction drives people to medicate the pain by abusing alcohol or food, or by shopping. Some experts believe that love addiction is often the underlying emotional dysfunction behind alcoholism or an eating disorder.

You can be a love addict on your own, always yearning after the One (the perfect fit, the soul mate) who is going to make you whole, or pining for the one who got away, convinced that without them (however terrible the relationship really was) you can never be happy. You can also be a love addict in a relationship. A relationship doesn’t stop the behaviour. It often makes it worse because, unconsciously, a love addict looks for somebody who echoes their own dysfunction. A love addict most often ends up with a love avoidant. The love avoidant is the mirror image of the love addict. Love avoidants also have overwhelming emotional needs (and a similar terror of abandonment), but have no idea how to express them (as well as being terrified by them), so they use rejection, dominance, humiliation, silence, anger and distance to control their lover and to avoid being left. A dance goes on between addict and avoidant. The more the avoidant shuts down, the needier the addict becomes. The needier the addict becomes, the more the avoidant shuts down. Sound familiar?

So when you say you are hysterical and controlling, that is probably true, but the problem is that you have chosen somebody who perpetuates those behaviours. They call it an addiction because, just as the alcoholic does not know how to find peace without a drink but longs for freedom from that obsession, the love addict longs to be free of their compulsive behaviour but is terrified of being without their lover — or their fix. Alcoholics long for somebody or something to stop them drinking. Hard as they try to stop on their own, they can’t. You long for your boyfriend to help you to leave because you cannot do it on your own.

It is not your fault. You are suffering. You need help. The best place to find it is Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. You need the support of others who understand, and a programme of recovery to help you find the peace you long for. Essentially, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend. For an alcoholic, a drink is the outward sign of an inner emotional disorder. It is not the fault of the drink. Your relationship is the symptom and not the cause of your unhappiness. To help you understand more clearly, try reading Is It Love or Is It Addiction? by Brenda Schaeffer (Hazelden £13.99).

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous; slaauk.com

If you have a relationship question for Sally, e-mail sally.brampton@ sunday-times.co.uk. In case of publication, names will be withheld. We’re sorry, but Sally cannot answer letters personally

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